Second Letter

It seems as though I have waited so long for this second letter.  I finally received the translation today, although Kabin already gave me the "brief synopsis" of what it said earlier this week.  I found out last Thursday that the letter had arrived, but needed to be translated.  One whole week!

There are the same tones of guilt and remorse from my birth father.  How will I ever be able to show him that I love him no matter what?  Because of his decision long ago, I have had the opportunity to bring joy to my family and friends here in MN, to receive a wonderful education, to sing on a stage with world renowned conductors, to be baptized an Orthodox Christian, to marry my husband, Nate; the list could go on and on!  I hope that in time he will come to realize that it wasn't a mistake; it was a blessing. 

As the day grows closer that I get to see your face (something I’ve only dreamed of) that I’ve wanted to see so badly, I worry and am scared as to whether this sinful father of yours [me] has any right to meet you.  I spend each, long day thinking about that.  Reading your letter that I so waited for, I picture you, who has grown up so beautifully, standing in front of me.  I am ashamed to meet you after having left such an extremely large scar in your embrace.  Should it not have been better for you to find out that your father was no longer alive in this world?  However, about six years ago, I overcame a serious illness.  I had lived thus far wondering about this survival experience in my heart, but now I realize it all happened so that I could meet you, My Third Daughter. Every time I see that television Program “I Want to See That Person”*, my chest tightened and the past pulled desperately at my heart.  I lived my live with a lot of regret and lamentation, hoping that, if you were living in this world somewhere, there would be a chance someday to meet you no matter how far away you were.  I am thankful to God that the time I lived was not for nothing. 

 

My Third Daughter-I love you and the day we meet is not far off.  The fact that my heart is racing indicates that this is the biggest event of the life I’ve lived thus far.  I believe that this is going to become the greatest story/drama in the hearts of our whole family here-your two older sisters and your younger brother-for a lifetime.  The remaining month feels so far away now.  I hope the waiting time passes quickly; I want to see your proud face with your big happy, beautiful smile. 

And your parents there- I hope they are healthy and in peace; I am so extremely grateful to them.  I bow my head in honor to the two of them for having raised you and taught you so wonderfully.  And I send my true thanks to your husband Nate, to your two younger siblings, and to the people around you who have provided you with grace. 

And to your parents there, your husband and to your siblings, I apologize and ask for forgiveness as a father who has truly acted badly.  In addition to your birth father here [me], Mother, and your siblings here too are going to be so very happy to see you and your family.  We believe, and do not doubt, that this will be the ultimate happiness in our lives.  I have lived for so long with you, whom I miss, buried deep in my heart.  You have grown up so pretty and wonderfully.  I think about the moment I am able to stroke the face of the daughter who I have kept deeply treasured in my heart stops; it seems like the world belongs all to me.

Now there is only one month to wait.  You have such a special and beautiful heart to come this long way to meet your father who committed a great sin that can never be washed away.  The family here is awaiting the happiness and nervousness of that day with desire in our hearts.

The cultures here and there are different, so I worry about possibly offending you in some way.  But even if it’s just from here on in, let’s try our best.  Once again, I bow my head deeply to your parents there and give words of thanks to them.  I hope and pray that the day comes soon that I am able to see your parents, your husband, and your siblings. 

My third Daughter who has been buried deep in my heart and for whom I have yearned  in my heart, I wait the day to see you.  I so want to see you.  Let’s talk more when we see each other face to face.

5.18.2011

Father with many sins

*Translator’s note:  There is a popular television program in Korea that finds long-lost friends and relatives for people. Occasionally, adoptees are allowed to come on the show (with the use of a translator) and look for their birth relatives.  It’s also for families who were separated due to war, poverty, break up of a family, and just physically losing each other, etc.  It’s a very popular television show.


I, also, can hardly wait for the day to come!  It will be likely the first Saturday or Sunday that we are in Korea.  I want to spend as much time with them as possible without cutting into the trip.  I did really want to go to the Orthodox Church in Seoul, but we may have to save that for another time.  Or maybe we can all go together.  I'm not sure how it will all work just yet. 

Nate and I have also talked several times about staying longer in Korea.  Unless it is ridiculously expensive, I hope to stay with Nate three or four more days.  Kabin said the Eastern Guest House at ESWS is available, but she is also almost positive that if we stay, my birth family will ask us to stay with them.  We won't make this decision until we get there, but in my head, it's already made.  I don't know how much longer I will have to get to know my birth father.  When I talked to Dad tonight and read him the letter, he said I'll have to stay longer and go again next year.  When I asked, "With what money?", he said, "We'll figure it out."  I am so happy he is excited for the trip and doesn't feel any jealousy or sadness at all. 

Two weeks to go!