I wait the day we meet sincerely

On Tuesday, April 12, 2011, I received the letter below from my birth father.

After I received good news from my daughter who I missed so much and have cherished in my mind over 30 years, it feels like bursting my heart and I can't express my thinking as a word.  First, I hope you and your husband are healthy.  I also hope your adoptive parents who have raised you greatly until now are healthy.
I and my family who aer living in Korea want to meet you as soon as possible and wait the day we meet sincerely. 


Your family here are your older sisters - YoonJeoung, HyeJeoung and your younger brother - YoonJo.  All of your sisters and brother married and lives happily with their family.  Your birth mother parted from us in 1983 and passed away 5 years ago. 
I remarried a present wife and there isn't a child between us.  We raised your sisters and brother greatly during 26 years.  I'll tell you detail when I meet you.
I send some pictures of my family.  I want to apologize for my mistake after we meet soon.


Please understand my mind not to write to be completely at ease but be honorifically to you who I meet only in my dream.  I'll tell you my stores that I have kept in my heart as your father when the day we meet. 


I sincerely want to see you.  I really want to see you, my lovely daughter who I have kept in my heart.  I don't know how I can wait the day I see you.  Until that day, time would pass too slow from now on. 


I'm afraid how I could compensate for my mistake.  I want to ask for your forgiveness on my knees.
Although there is a confusing time because of a difference between my culture and yours, let's overcome everything with love and understanding like the time we have lived and held out until now.


I hope to see you, your husband and your parents as soon as possible. 
Though you can be disappointed, we'll welcome you sincerely and happily.


I have lots of stories to tell you but let's talk when we meet.  HeeJeoung!  I want to see your husband, my son-in-law quickly.
I do love you.


March 28, 2011
your foolish father.

Included with the letter were three pictures from my brother's wedding.

My birth family including nieces and nephews.  Step mother and birth father sitting in front.

Sisters and brother

Birth father, step mother & YoonJo (brother)

The Letter

(From my journal dated 4/13/2011)

I can hardly believe that I have a letter from my birth father!  On April 12, Kabin called me to say the letter from him had arrived and that she would love for me to come to CHSFS to pick it up and talk about the information.  I could hardly wait for the work day to get over so I could read what he had to say!

When I got to CHSFS, Kabin greeted me at the door.  We went to a conference room where we sat down to talk.  First, Kabin sowed me the letter and let me take my time reading it.  I got teary eyed as I was reading. I just finished "I Wish for You a Beautiful Life" and the letter had a similar tone.  My birth father wants to meet me and has been dreaming about it the past 30+ years.  His letter is filled with the joy of our upcoming meeting and remorse/regret for giving me up for adoption.  He cannot wait to meet my parents and Nate, his son-in-law.

Kabin said it was a good letter for a birth father - he shared his emotions freely, which is often difficult for them to do.  She was very impressed with his letter.  From his letter and his communication with Eastern in Seoul, she said his personality seems a lot like mine. 

I learned so much yesterday, it's so hard to write everything at once and to order things that are most important.  I think Kabin wanted me to read the letter first because my birth father also wrote about my brother!  I have a younger brother who was born in 1980.  I have another younger brother, the same age as Mike!  My first thought was, "Thank you Lord, for giving my birth parents the son that they wanted!"  My second thought was that I was so happy I had an even larger family.  Kabin asked about how I felt about hearing I had a brother and I told her my thoughts.  She seemed surprised, so I asked if this was uncommon and she said that sometimes people take some time to process the news.  It really just brings me great joy!  I have two sisters AND a brother!

Another thing I noticed in the letter from my birth father was that my sisters' names are YoonJeoung & HyeJeoung and my brother's name is YoonJo.  My Korean name is HeeJeoung (although I always spelled it HeeJung).  My sisters and I have the same second syllable.  This is just like Mom, Julie and me - we all have the middle name Ann.  Small coincidence, but such a special one to me. 

My birth father and mother parted in 1983 and both remarried.  My birth father has been married to his current wife 26 years and she raised my siblings.  She is 14 years younger than him and knows about me. My birth father lives close enough to Eastern to go there twice - once to pick up my letter and once to drop off his letter for me.  The first time, my stepmother went with him.  When Kabin first told me that he went there twice, I thought she meant he went to look for me before I started searching.  I guess a part of me hoped that he was searching for me, too.  He went alone the second time and I guess he was very talkative and was telling a lot of stories. 

Apparently, it's not always common for second wives to have good relationships with their husband's previous family.  It's a blessing that she knows about me and was there to support my birth father.  I am excited to meet her!  And I am also thankful she is there for him.

Little by little, Kabin told me more of what she know, but first she let me look at the pictures my birth father had sent.  The pictures were from my brother's wedding.  The first picture I looked at was the third one on the page - a picture of my three siblings.  Then there was a picture in the middle of my birth father, brother and another woman, who I realized was my stepmother.  At the top was my entire family - including brothers- and sister-in-law, three nephews, and a niece!  I'm an aunt!

The first thing I thought was, "I don't know if I look like any of them!"  I couldn't tell at first glance.  Kabin said she thought I looked like my brother and a little like one of my sisters.  I'm not sure which one is the oldest or how current the pictures are.  I think now that I have had more of a chance to look at the pictures, I smile like the one sister and we have the same nose, but my eyes are more like my brother's.  I wonder how much more we will look alike once we meet.  I couldn't stop looking at the pictures and I for sure wanted to see more!  I wonder how old my niece and nephews are now.  It will definitely determine what sort of gifts I will bring them.

Apparently my birth father owned his own business and is now retired.  He has been resting and travelling around Korea.  Five or six years ago, he was diagnosed with final stage liver cancer and only given a short time to live.  Somehow he miraculously recovered and attributes it to the fact that he was meant to meet me someday.  Kabin assured me he is now fine.  If anything were to happen, the Korean agency would let us know and I could fly out there sooner. 

Unfortunately, there was not much information about my birth mother.  She also remarried, but did not have any additional children and passed away about five years ago.  She was not able to see my birth father or siblings very often because she didn't share that she was previously married with her new family.  Any time she was able to meet them was in secret.  I can't imagine how her life must have been - having to give up one child for adoption and not being able to see her other children.  My birth father wants to take me to where she was buried when we meet.  I wonder what would have happened if I began my search earlier.  Would I have been able to meet her?  Would she even wanted to have contact or be able to, or would she have been to worried about her current husband/family finding out?  I know that I can't live with regrets, but I part of me wonders why I waited until now to search.  I hope that I will at least be able to see pictures of her and hear stories about her.

Now I have the difficult task of writing a letter and choosing pictures to send back.  I want to make sure I let him know that I am not upset with their decision to give me up for adoption.  I want to assure him of my love.  I want to tell him more about my life than the little I shared in my first letter.  I realize now how impersonal it was.  I want to finish as soon as possible so eh can hopefully have time to write back one more time before we go to Korea.  Kabin also suggested I write a letter to my siblings . That will also be difficult to do, I think. 

I went to Mom & Dad's for dinner, where I met Nate.  I shared everything with them and Rob & Julie at the same time.  Everyone at the table had tears in their eyes (even Dad!) and Mom wanted to read the letter over and over again.  I asked her later if she was ok with all the new information and wanted to assure her that she is my mom.  No new family or new information will ever change that.  She asked me if I had said anything to Dad and was worried how he was feeling since we were meeting my birth father.  I went to give him a hug and he was coming up the stairs from copying the picture on the scanner.  He said, "I'm just so excited - I never thought we'd be able to meet him.  I know how you feel."  Spoken in true Dad style.  I'm so thankful they are so supportive of me and my search and are genuinely happy for me.

Fast forward to today:
Tomorrow after work I have the Korean adoptee discussion group at CHSFS and I'm meeting Kabin beforehand.  I found out on Friday that she is not able to come on our trip with us since there aren't too many people traveling on this tour.  I am sad about this because I've really felt a connection with her.  Jane emailed me today and let me know she is available any time, but I need to build up that relationship.

I finished the letter for my birth father, but still haven't figured out what to write to my siblings.  I may not send that one just yet.  I hope I was able to convey all my feelings in three short pages (they are hand-written on note paper, so it really is pretty short).  I've also picked out a few pictures to send with the letter and I hope they are representative of me and Nate. 

I have shared my pictures and story with many people at church now.  The more people that see the pictures, the varying response I get regarding who I look like.  I can't wait to find out more.

Time for bed now, but I am sure there is much more to come in the story of my search!

Waiting

After waiting for two weeks, I had another call with Kabin.  She asked how I was doing and said she didn't have any additional information.  She would try to call Eastern to see if they had heard anything yet, but let me know that sometimes it takes birth fathers a longer time to write because they have a hard time expressing their emotions.  Not much different than American men.

The days leading up to the call I wanted to reach out to her, but I didn't want to be a pest.  I did confirm that if she heard anything I wouldn't have to wait until Friday, but I heard nothing.

The waiting was difficult, but the result was well worth it!

Selig sind, die da Leid tragen

Nearly four weeks ago, on March 25, I received a phone call from Kabin at Children's Home.  It was time for our normal bi-weekly call and I figured my search would be the same.  No new news. 

I was getting ready to leave for Happy Hour with my team at work.  I figured there wouldn't be anything new, so I was trying to hurry the conversation along so my team didn't have to wait for me.  I said, "I suppose you don't have anything new for me today."  On the other end of the phone Kabin paused and said, "Well, I have some news for you today...  I have some good news and some bad news.  Actually, I have two good news and one bad news."  I think that my heart actually stopped.  I couldn't believe it!  It had only been a little over two months since I had begun my search.  I was almost positive I would not be able to locate anyone before we went to Korea .  In fact, I thought it was a long shot to ever locate anyone.

She said, "I'll tell you the good news first.  We've located your birth father."  I knew immediately, or at least had a strong feeling the bad news was that something had happened to my birth mother.  Otherwise, wouldn't she say something about her, as well.  I let Kabin finish telling me about how my father couldn't wait to see me and that he wanted to meet as soon as possible.

I was excited about my birth father, but I have always dreamt about my mother.  When Kabin finished telling me they also located my sisters, she told me the bad news.  My birth mother had passed away.  I'm not sure if I was crying before, but as soon as I heard this, the tears started to flow.  I would never be able to meet the woman who gave birth to me and then had to give me up due to social pressures.  The one person I had always dreamt of meeting was the one person I would not be able to meet.

I still find it hard to believe.  What would have happened if I had started searching as soon as I was old enough?  Would I have been able to meet her then?  I knew very little about my family.  In fact, I had very little detail.  Only the following, which Kabin forwarded to me later that afternoon:

Dear Ms. Kabin,
Hello!  I have good news for you!  Sara Ann’s birthfather was located and he confirmed that he’s the birthfather.  He was thrilled to hear from her and was very excited for Sara Ann’s outreach.  He wants to meet with her as soon as possible.  Unfortunately the birthmother has passed away.  Sara Ann’s older birthsisters are doing well.  We have received Sara Ann’s letter, so we will be forwarding her letter to the birthfather.  Birthfather will be working on his letter for Sara Ann.  Thank you, Have a nice weekend.

I had so many more questions!  The letter from Eastern Social Welfare Society contained so little information.  Where does my birth father live?  Do my birth sisters know about me?  When will I receive my letter from my birth father?  Do I have any other siblings?  How did my birth mother die?

While I was mourning the loss of my birth mother, I also rejoiced in the fact that I had a father and sisters that wanted to meet me!  They would be able to tell me about her and hopefully share pictures and stories.  I hoped I would be able to learn more. 

I had to call Nate because I wasn't going straight home and I had to tell someone!  He was the one who was certain we'd be able to find my birth family and meet them in June.  Turns out, he was right.  He was so wonderful and although he wasn't there while I was telling him, I felt so comforted by talking to him.

You may be wondering about the title of this post.  After I left work I had to head to Hamline University to sing Brahms' Ein deutsches Requiem in a piano concert with the Minnesota Chorale.  Brahms wrote this piece after the death of his mother in 1865.  The first movement of the work begins with "Selig sind, die da Leid tragen, denn sie sollen getröstet werden," or "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." 

Kathy, our conductor, gave us our last minute notes before the concert and then suggested we think of someone we could dedicate our performance to.  She has a very personal experience with the piece and the review of the concert quotes her saying "it became my way of processing death."  I will always relate this piece to the day I found out I had located my birth family.  Of course, I dedicated my performances for the weekend to my birth mother, who I had never met.  It was difficult to make it through the entire piece, but I can only hope my birth mother was able to hear me from where she is now.  I hope she would be proud.