Land of the Morning Calm

I can hardly believe I've been in Korea a week!  So many amazing things have happened!  I met my birth family for the first time last Saturday.  I am not sure how to put so many feelings and happenings into words in a short time.  To put it into one entry would not do things justice, but I know that many people are waiting to hear stories and see pictures. 

My birth family is so amazing!  They have been so generous and loving to Nate, my parents, and me.  We have been spending as much time together as possible until we left to go to Haeinsa, Daegu and now Gyeongju.  The first day that we met, my birth father and stepmother, brother and sister-in-law with their son, and oldest sister (Uhnnee) and her husband came to meet me at Eastern.  I can't believe how well it went.  We arrived first and they shortly afterwards.  I was mostly excited, and maybe a tiny bit nervous. 

We talked for a little while there, but then went to my birth father's home for lunch and to get to know one another more.  The entire family would show up there and we spent a wonderful few hours together.  We had Jane as a translator, which was wonderful, but during lunch, Nate & I sat on the floor, while the parents talked at the table with her translating.  However, I felt like I just fit in, even though we didn't know anything (actually, almost everything) they were saying.  Fortunately, my brother speaks pretty good English. 

My oldest sister and brother-in-law (Hyungboo) SangMan drove us back to our hotel.  She is wonderful!  We have spent a lot of time in the car together and I think she might be the one that I become the closest to.  We will stay at their house two days after the tour has ended.  She told me that my laugh is like my birth mothers and a little like hers. 

It is amazing the number of similarities between my siblings, and some of the differences, too.  We are all pretty outgoing and have the same nose.  Immediately when my brother walked into the room at the agency, my birth father commented that we were definitely siblings.  I am the only one of my siblings that has glasses.  I'm not sure if that's due to genetics or if they acutally need glasses, but don't wear them, or if they have had surgery to correct their vision. 

My birth family had wanted to spend from 11 am until 9 pm our first day together.  Actually, they wanted to meet us at the airport the first night that we came in, but I am so glad that Jane said no.  After a sixteen hour travel time (12-hour flight the first leg), I would have been too tired to comprehend what was going on.  They had so many things they wanted to show me and wanted to fit it all in the weekend.  Fortunately, on Sunday we had the morning until 4 pm where we went shopping, to lunch, and then to see a parade for the Tripitaka Koreana and dress up for the changing of the guard at the palace. 

On Monday we spent the afternoon and evening with them, going to a palace, museum, take-out from pizza hut (I had bulgogi pizza), and a night-time boat cruise on the Han River.  It was so much fun, and again I felt like one of the family.  My brother and Uhnnee Hye Jung took the day off of work and my niece and one of my nephews took off school.  Koreans only get five days off of work a year and education is top priority, so this was a big deal.  We had to say goodbye this evening for a few days while our tour went South. 

I have posted some pictures on my facebook page, but below are some of my family.  Nate's camera has the best pictures on it, but we don't have the connection to the computer.  Everything is wonderful and I wish I could stay for a whole month, rather than just a few extra days. 

I hope to post more while we are here! 



Sisters - HyeJung, HeeJung, YoonJung






Seven Hours and Counting

You would think that I, of all people, would sleep in when I could.  I used to sleep until noon on the weekends and even now, I try to get the last minute possible before getting up for work. 

Not now, when I'm getting ready to leave for Korea. 

Yesterday, I had the day off of work, but I got up 6 AM, even earlier than normal!  I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep again, but I kept waking up and thinking about the trip and what I still needed to do.

The same thing happened today.  I was up almost every hour and then finally got up at 7 AM.  We are almost all packed, except for a few last minute things.  And we don't have to leave for the airport until 11:30 AM.  I ended up re-packing Nate's suitcase to fit his shoes in and going through all my makeup and jewelry last night to figure out what I should bring.  Definitely packed too much of everything, but since we are staying longer, I didn't know exactly how to pack - what situations we might be in, what the weather would be like.


And I was sad that it was the last night Coco would sleep at my feet and Storm would snuggle up, until July.  It's definitely the longest I have been away from them.  Prior to this, I think it's only been ten days, at most.  Their fate is in Rob, Mike and Julie, and Dorothy, Rich & Alycia's hands. 

I'm anxious to get going this morning, but Nate is still sleeping, so I don't want to disturb him.  And there is very little milk left, so I want to share that with him and don't want to take the last.  When will that boy wake up?

This is the last time I'll be writing before I leave, but we hope that in Korea we will be able to upload some pictures and document a few things.  I want to share the Journey with everyone!  An nyoung ha seh yo, Korea!

Less than two days...

I'm so excited that I can barely stop to think!  Tonight after I got done with work, I went over to my parents' house for dinner with them and Julie & Rob.  We had to try out the new camcorder to make sure it worked and we knew how to use it.  Then Julie & Rob came to our house to see what to do about the cats and how to work the remote for the TV. 

Since they left, all I can think about is making sure I have everything packed - last minute laundry, toiletries, house cleaned, etc.  I have tomorrow still, but have some work things to wrap up still, as well as my manicure/pedicure and stopping at Children's Home Society to share my album that I made for my birth father with Kabin.  So much to do, it seems, and not enough time to do it!  I have to be careful about my nails tomorrow night, so I have to wrap everything computer/laundry-related up before 4:15 pm.

I can't wait to board the plane!

Meeting Details

I found out that my first meeting with my birth family will be next Saturday, June 18th.  We will go to ESWS in the morning to meet my birth father with Jane and a social worker from ESWS.  We will have the social worker until 3 pm that day and will make our plans for future visit(s) at that time.  One of those will be a visit to the place where my birth mother is buried.  He also wants us to stay one night with him. 

In talking to Jane, she said the personality similarities between my birth father and I are uncanny.  We both like things to be just in order and be prepared.  He has been calling ESWS every day (sometimes multiple times) to get details about our visit.  He wants to know what my favorite color is and what I like to eat.  Not surprising, these are all things they have no idea about!  I doubt they would guess my favorite color is orange.  Maybe they could figure out that I love chocolate and ice cream.  And not that I call CHSFS every day, either.  More like every other week and then occasional emails in between calls.  Only because I can't wait to receive the letters that were sent from my birth father.  Could anyone wait?

I can't believe that we leave in less than a week and that we are going to see my birth family so soon!  I am getting more and more excited and have so much to do still.  I can hardly sleep at night!  I think about what the flight will be like - will I be able to sleep? Should I even try to sleep?  How our first meeting will go - will I give him a hug right away? Who will be there? Will I be able to convince him that he doesn't need to feel guilty? Will he like my presents? How many boxes of kleenix will I go through? Will we be able to communicate without a translator?

I am also worried about how much I have to do at work before we leave.  I only have two days left, but will likely have plenty to do over the weekend or on our last day before we leave, which I currently plan to take off.  How will I be able to get everything wrapped up that I need to?  I really don't want to leave anything open for my coworker who will be covering for me.  And then I'm gone for nearly three weeks!  It helps that the Fourth of July holiday is situated in there.

Today I called the travel agent who planned our trip.  When I called Delta the other day, they told me they couldn't talk to me and somewhat rudely went into to the myriad of reasons they couldn't talk to me.  Since we booked through a travel agent, just couldn't say anything because I might sue them.  Now, I understand that these days, people will sue for just about any reason, but they could have been polite about it.  I had to interrupt to simply say that I understood and all she had to say was that I should contact our travel agent.  I didn't need the rude explanation immediately following the question.

Fortunately, Shayna, the travel agent CHSFS works with, was extremely helpful and I found out there is room to extend our flight through July 2nd.  The cost is under the amount I was hoping to pay per person and there is availability on both flights departing out of Seoul that day.  Now I just have to convince Nate that we should do it.  We can wait until after we are in Korea to decide, but flights might not be available and it could be more difficult.  I don't want to risk not getting a flight when I know this is what I want to do.  Who knows how long it will be before I can get back.  I know that I would be ok staying on my own, but I would much rather prefer that he stay with me.  We wouldn't tell my birth family until we see how things go.  If nothing else, we can stay privately on our own if we don't want to stay with them.  Here's to hoping he will decide yes tomorrow so I can book the change before the weekend. 

Second Letter

It seems as though I have waited so long for this second letter.  I finally received the translation today, although Kabin already gave me the "brief synopsis" of what it said earlier this week.  I found out last Thursday that the letter had arrived, but needed to be translated.  One whole week!

There are the same tones of guilt and remorse from my birth father.  How will I ever be able to show him that I love him no matter what?  Because of his decision long ago, I have had the opportunity to bring joy to my family and friends here in MN, to receive a wonderful education, to sing on a stage with world renowned conductors, to be baptized an Orthodox Christian, to marry my husband, Nate; the list could go on and on!  I hope that in time he will come to realize that it wasn't a mistake; it was a blessing. 

As the day grows closer that I get to see your face (something I’ve only dreamed of) that I’ve wanted to see so badly, I worry and am scared as to whether this sinful father of yours [me] has any right to meet you.  I spend each, long day thinking about that.  Reading your letter that I so waited for, I picture you, who has grown up so beautifully, standing in front of me.  I am ashamed to meet you after having left such an extremely large scar in your embrace.  Should it not have been better for you to find out that your father was no longer alive in this world?  However, about six years ago, I overcame a serious illness.  I had lived thus far wondering about this survival experience in my heart, but now I realize it all happened so that I could meet you, My Third Daughter. Every time I see that television Program “I Want to See That Person”*, my chest tightened and the past pulled desperately at my heart.  I lived my live with a lot of regret and lamentation, hoping that, if you were living in this world somewhere, there would be a chance someday to meet you no matter how far away you were.  I am thankful to God that the time I lived was not for nothing. 

 

My Third Daughter-I love you and the day we meet is not far off.  The fact that my heart is racing indicates that this is the biggest event of the life I’ve lived thus far.  I believe that this is going to become the greatest story/drama in the hearts of our whole family here-your two older sisters and your younger brother-for a lifetime.  The remaining month feels so far away now.  I hope the waiting time passes quickly; I want to see your proud face with your big happy, beautiful smile. 

And your parents there- I hope they are healthy and in peace; I am so extremely grateful to them.  I bow my head in honor to the two of them for having raised you and taught you so wonderfully.  And I send my true thanks to your husband Nate, to your two younger siblings, and to the people around you who have provided you with grace. 

And to your parents there, your husband and to your siblings, I apologize and ask for forgiveness as a father who has truly acted badly.  In addition to your birth father here [me], Mother, and your siblings here too are going to be so very happy to see you and your family.  We believe, and do not doubt, that this will be the ultimate happiness in our lives.  I have lived for so long with you, whom I miss, buried deep in my heart.  You have grown up so pretty and wonderfully.  I think about the moment I am able to stroke the face of the daughter who I have kept deeply treasured in my heart stops; it seems like the world belongs all to me.

Now there is only one month to wait.  You have such a special and beautiful heart to come this long way to meet your father who committed a great sin that can never be washed away.  The family here is awaiting the happiness and nervousness of that day with desire in our hearts.

The cultures here and there are different, so I worry about possibly offending you in some way.  But even if it’s just from here on in, let’s try our best.  Once again, I bow my head deeply to your parents there and give words of thanks to them.  I hope and pray that the day comes soon that I am able to see your parents, your husband, and your siblings. 

My third Daughter who has been buried deep in my heart and for whom I have yearned  in my heart, I wait the day to see you.  I so want to see you.  Let’s talk more when we see each other face to face.

5.18.2011

Father with many sins

*Translator’s note:  There is a popular television program in Korea that finds long-lost friends and relatives for people. Occasionally, adoptees are allowed to come on the show (with the use of a translator) and look for their birth relatives.  It’s also for families who were separated due to war, poverty, break up of a family, and just physically losing each other, etc.  It’s a very popular television show.


I, also, can hardly wait for the day to come!  It will be likely the first Saturday or Sunday that we are in Korea.  I want to spend as much time with them as possible without cutting into the trip.  I did really want to go to the Orthodox Church in Seoul, but we may have to save that for another time.  Or maybe we can all go together.  I'm not sure how it will all work just yet. 

Nate and I have also talked several times about staying longer in Korea.  Unless it is ridiculously expensive, I hope to stay with Nate three or four more days.  Kabin said the Eastern Guest House at ESWS is available, but she is also almost positive that if we stay, my birth family will ask us to stay with them.  We won't make this decision until we get there, but in my head, it's already made.  I don't know how much longer I will have to get to know my birth father.  When I talked to Dad tonight and read him the letter, he said I'll have to stay longer and go again next year.  When I asked, "With what money?", he said, "We'll figure it out."  I am so happy he is excited for the trip and doesn't feel any jealousy or sadness at all. 

Two weeks to go!

God Does Everything for a Reason

Below is the letter that I sent back to my birth father back in the middle of April.

My father, words cannot express the joy that I felt when I heard that you had been located and wanted to meet me!  It is like a dream come true.  I never imagined we would be able to meet.  Then the two weeks I had to wait for your letter was hard to bear.  I couldn’t wait to hear from you.  Please forgive the informality of my first letter – I did not know how to express myself.

My husband and I are very happy and healthy, as well as my parents.  We are all counting the days until we come to Korea.

Please do not be sad about the choice you had to make.  I believe God does everything for a reason and He blessed me with a wonderful family in Minnesota, and He was able to give you a son (and me a brother)!  I wish my brother and sister in Minnesota were able to come with us to meet you, as well.   All is forgiven and I can’t wait for the day that I can embrace you and let you know in person.

I cannot wait to meet my family – your wife, my brother and sisters and my niece and nephews.  How old are my niece and nephews?  What are their names and what do they like to do?  It’s wonderful to know I have a whole family waiting on the other side of the world. Is everyone well?

I have so many stories to tell you of my life until now.  I have been blessed with so many opportunities to travel around the world, make beautiful music, and have many friends and family that care about me.

I hope you will be proud of my accomplishments.  My music is a hobby and a joy.  I sing with the Minnesota Chorale and have performed on many stages.  I will bring some music recordings with me.  Your daughter is a classical singer who loves the orchestra and opera.  I am learning a song to sing for you and your family.

I am sad to hear about my mother.  I wish I could have had the opportunity to meet her.  I have wondered if I looked like her or if we had anything in common.  But I am overjoyed to find you!
It’s two long months before I come to Korea and I can hardly wait!  I am bursting to hear all about you and to tell you more about me.

I hope to see you very soon and I await the day we can see one another.  Forgive that I don’t speak much Korean.  I will try to learn some before I come.

I love you!
Your daughter,
Sara Ann ~ Hee Jung

I have also found out some additional information since my last post. The number of nieces and nephews in my family has grown from four to six! I also found out their approximate ages. My oldest sister, YoonJeoung, has a son in high school and a son in elementary school. My middle sister, HyeJeoung, has a son in high school, a daughter in 5th grade, and a 7-year old, whose gender I don't know. My brother, YoonJo also has a son. This seems like a LOT of boys in the family...

I finished the album that I have created for my birth father. I ordered it Monday and it already arrived today! It turned out beautiful, but I did notice a few things that I might have changed. That's the perfectionist part of me. I am also planning to print several pictures to bring for my siblings. I'm not sure the best way to do this. Maybe I will just end up creating separate smaller albums for my siblings. I can support one of my departments at work with small albums.

We are two and a half weeks away from leaving and I feel as though the day will never come. But I also have so many things to do before we go. I hope to get many of them accomplished this weekend.

32nd Anniversary

Sunday, May 1, was my anniversary of coming to America.  Thirty-two years ago, I arrived in Minnesota, at four and a half months old.  I was a chubby baby with a lot of dark hair.  My baby book reads:

First Indications: Dillon called us Apr. 29, Sunday, to tell us that Sara would arrive on Tuesday at O'Hare Airport!  We had no idea she would not be flown directly to Mpls.  After quite a panic, we asked for an escort to pick her up in Chicago.  Everything worked out fine.

Trip to the Airport: Jack met Mom and Helen and me at the airport.  I was fairly calm while driving - Mom had helped with all the final preparations Monday and Tuesday.

We Named the Baby: Sara Ann Schwebach
Arrival Time: 4:45 pm on Tuesday, May 1, 1979
Weight: 6.8 lbs (6 lbs, 13 oz)   Length: 20.8 in.
Color of Hair: Black     Color of Eyes: Brown
Pediatrician:  Friends & Relatives at the Airport: Mom, Cy, Dot, Mary Ann (Susan, Carol, Robert, Janet), Helen Kovalitsky, Marge & Don Vajda (John, Karen), Jim & Char Vick (Doug, Matt, Beth), Kathy Knutson (Katie), Diana and Mike Middleton

The Homecoming:
Baby's first day at home was May 1, 1979
Grandma Lasho was there to help.

Description and Reaction: Things were pretty hectic that first night.  We followed our child care instructor's advice and tried very diluted formula - until we realized, after several hours of Sara's crying, that she was really hungry for much more.  Then things settled down and we all had a little sleep.  She had her first bath that first evening too.  Worried about her congestion.

Photos: No one even thought of photos that first evening.  But Carol Lind did take some the next day when Sara came to the neighborhood shower with her dad.

My whole family was at the airport to greet me, as well as friends and the people who would eventually be my Godfather Don and Godmother Char.  As I was reading my baby book several weeks ago, I got choked up at all the details that Mom wrote about my childhood.  It would be something special to be able to share with my birth father.

If you started reading from the beginning of my blog, you would know that while in Korea, I was eating cooked rice gruel and half boiled yolk.  Definitely, diluted formula would not be enough for this girl!  And my love affair with food has continued to this day. 

This year, I had plans to get together with several of the girls from the Korean Adoptee Discussion Group.  The Tuesday before, we had discussed a shopping trip to the Albertville Outlet Mall.  I needed to get some shopping done for gifts for my birth family and needed some help picking them out.  When we planned the trip, I didn't realize it was my anniversary.  We met at Arbor Lakes and I found some hiking shoes at Nordstrom Rack.  At the outlet mall, I found gifts for my birth sisters and sister-in-law, niece and nephews, and one of my brother-in-laws.  I might have also purchased a Coach bag for myself for the trip and a new pair of fuchsia pink patent peep toe pumps. 

After the shopping trip, K and I went for a drink to talk some more.  I had reached out to her originally when I first started searching for some information, but she and I had not been able to connect until the discussion group on Tuesday.  She was an amazing person to talk to and we have a very similar story.  Between her and H, I have really been blessed to find some additional Korean adoptees to talk to.  I never felt a need to connect with my adoptive side in the past, but I have really enjoyed getting to know new adoptees and sharing stories, experiences, and dreams with them.  I only hope it will continue even more.

I have heard the arrival day called several names, but I grew up calling it my Anniversary.  Airplane Day, Homecoming Day, Anniversary.  No matter the name, my whole life I have celebrated my anniversary, May Day, with dinner or something special with my family.  This year was no different.  We went to my parents' house for dinner of fajitas and rice that Julie made.  From there, the entire family got together and went bowling.  (Yes, it's a miracle we could all get together at once!)  It was such a fun time and everyone got at least one strike.  Mom and Dad brought their bowling balls and shoes from back in the day.  It was a wonderful evening together with the whole family.  Then, when we got home, Nate also gave me flowers!

I wait the day we meet sincerely

On Tuesday, April 12, 2011, I received the letter below from my birth father.

After I received good news from my daughter who I missed so much and have cherished in my mind over 30 years, it feels like bursting my heart and I can't express my thinking as a word.  First, I hope you and your husband are healthy.  I also hope your adoptive parents who have raised you greatly until now are healthy.
I and my family who aer living in Korea want to meet you as soon as possible and wait the day we meet sincerely. 


Your family here are your older sisters - YoonJeoung, HyeJeoung and your younger brother - YoonJo.  All of your sisters and brother married and lives happily with their family.  Your birth mother parted from us in 1983 and passed away 5 years ago. 
I remarried a present wife and there isn't a child between us.  We raised your sisters and brother greatly during 26 years.  I'll tell you detail when I meet you.
I send some pictures of my family.  I want to apologize for my mistake after we meet soon.


Please understand my mind not to write to be completely at ease but be honorifically to you who I meet only in my dream.  I'll tell you my stores that I have kept in my heart as your father when the day we meet. 


I sincerely want to see you.  I really want to see you, my lovely daughter who I have kept in my heart.  I don't know how I can wait the day I see you.  Until that day, time would pass too slow from now on. 


I'm afraid how I could compensate for my mistake.  I want to ask for your forgiveness on my knees.
Although there is a confusing time because of a difference between my culture and yours, let's overcome everything with love and understanding like the time we have lived and held out until now.


I hope to see you, your husband and your parents as soon as possible. 
Though you can be disappointed, we'll welcome you sincerely and happily.


I have lots of stories to tell you but let's talk when we meet.  HeeJeoung!  I want to see your husband, my son-in-law quickly.
I do love you.


March 28, 2011
your foolish father.

Included with the letter were three pictures from my brother's wedding.

My birth family including nieces and nephews.  Step mother and birth father sitting in front.

Sisters and brother

Birth father, step mother & YoonJo (brother)

The Letter

(From my journal dated 4/13/2011)

I can hardly believe that I have a letter from my birth father!  On April 12, Kabin called me to say the letter from him had arrived and that she would love for me to come to CHSFS to pick it up and talk about the information.  I could hardly wait for the work day to get over so I could read what he had to say!

When I got to CHSFS, Kabin greeted me at the door.  We went to a conference room where we sat down to talk.  First, Kabin sowed me the letter and let me take my time reading it.  I got teary eyed as I was reading. I just finished "I Wish for You a Beautiful Life" and the letter had a similar tone.  My birth father wants to meet me and has been dreaming about it the past 30+ years.  His letter is filled with the joy of our upcoming meeting and remorse/regret for giving me up for adoption.  He cannot wait to meet my parents and Nate, his son-in-law.

Kabin said it was a good letter for a birth father - he shared his emotions freely, which is often difficult for them to do.  She was very impressed with his letter.  From his letter and his communication with Eastern in Seoul, she said his personality seems a lot like mine. 

I learned so much yesterday, it's so hard to write everything at once and to order things that are most important.  I think Kabin wanted me to read the letter first because my birth father also wrote about my brother!  I have a younger brother who was born in 1980.  I have another younger brother, the same age as Mike!  My first thought was, "Thank you Lord, for giving my birth parents the son that they wanted!"  My second thought was that I was so happy I had an even larger family.  Kabin asked about how I felt about hearing I had a brother and I told her my thoughts.  She seemed surprised, so I asked if this was uncommon and she said that sometimes people take some time to process the news.  It really just brings me great joy!  I have two sisters AND a brother!

Another thing I noticed in the letter from my birth father was that my sisters' names are YoonJeoung & HyeJeoung and my brother's name is YoonJo.  My Korean name is HeeJeoung (although I always spelled it HeeJung).  My sisters and I have the same second syllable.  This is just like Mom, Julie and me - we all have the middle name Ann.  Small coincidence, but such a special one to me. 

My birth father and mother parted in 1983 and both remarried.  My birth father has been married to his current wife 26 years and she raised my siblings.  She is 14 years younger than him and knows about me. My birth father lives close enough to Eastern to go there twice - once to pick up my letter and once to drop off his letter for me.  The first time, my stepmother went with him.  When Kabin first told me that he went there twice, I thought she meant he went to look for me before I started searching.  I guess a part of me hoped that he was searching for me, too.  He went alone the second time and I guess he was very talkative and was telling a lot of stories. 

Apparently, it's not always common for second wives to have good relationships with their husband's previous family.  It's a blessing that she knows about me and was there to support my birth father.  I am excited to meet her!  And I am also thankful she is there for him.

Little by little, Kabin told me more of what she know, but first she let me look at the pictures my birth father had sent.  The pictures were from my brother's wedding.  The first picture I looked at was the third one on the page - a picture of my three siblings.  Then there was a picture in the middle of my birth father, brother and another woman, who I realized was my stepmother.  At the top was my entire family - including brothers- and sister-in-law, three nephews, and a niece!  I'm an aunt!

The first thing I thought was, "I don't know if I look like any of them!"  I couldn't tell at first glance.  Kabin said she thought I looked like my brother and a little like one of my sisters.  I'm not sure which one is the oldest or how current the pictures are.  I think now that I have had more of a chance to look at the pictures, I smile like the one sister and we have the same nose, but my eyes are more like my brother's.  I wonder how much more we will look alike once we meet.  I couldn't stop looking at the pictures and I for sure wanted to see more!  I wonder how old my niece and nephews are now.  It will definitely determine what sort of gifts I will bring them.

Apparently my birth father owned his own business and is now retired.  He has been resting and travelling around Korea.  Five or six years ago, he was diagnosed with final stage liver cancer and only given a short time to live.  Somehow he miraculously recovered and attributes it to the fact that he was meant to meet me someday.  Kabin assured me he is now fine.  If anything were to happen, the Korean agency would let us know and I could fly out there sooner. 

Unfortunately, there was not much information about my birth mother.  She also remarried, but did not have any additional children and passed away about five years ago.  She was not able to see my birth father or siblings very often because she didn't share that she was previously married with her new family.  Any time she was able to meet them was in secret.  I can't imagine how her life must have been - having to give up one child for adoption and not being able to see her other children.  My birth father wants to take me to where she was buried when we meet.  I wonder what would have happened if I began my search earlier.  Would I have been able to meet her?  Would she even wanted to have contact or be able to, or would she have been to worried about her current husband/family finding out?  I know that I can't live with regrets, but I part of me wonders why I waited until now to search.  I hope that I will at least be able to see pictures of her and hear stories about her.

Now I have the difficult task of writing a letter and choosing pictures to send back.  I want to make sure I let him know that I am not upset with their decision to give me up for adoption.  I want to assure him of my love.  I want to tell him more about my life than the little I shared in my first letter.  I realize now how impersonal it was.  I want to finish as soon as possible so eh can hopefully have time to write back one more time before we go to Korea.  Kabin also suggested I write a letter to my siblings . That will also be difficult to do, I think. 

I went to Mom & Dad's for dinner, where I met Nate.  I shared everything with them and Rob & Julie at the same time.  Everyone at the table had tears in their eyes (even Dad!) and Mom wanted to read the letter over and over again.  I asked her later if she was ok with all the new information and wanted to assure her that she is my mom.  No new family or new information will ever change that.  She asked me if I had said anything to Dad and was worried how he was feeling since we were meeting my birth father.  I went to give him a hug and he was coming up the stairs from copying the picture on the scanner.  He said, "I'm just so excited - I never thought we'd be able to meet him.  I know how you feel."  Spoken in true Dad style.  I'm so thankful they are so supportive of me and my search and are genuinely happy for me.

Fast forward to today:
Tomorrow after work I have the Korean adoptee discussion group at CHSFS and I'm meeting Kabin beforehand.  I found out on Friday that she is not able to come on our trip with us since there aren't too many people traveling on this tour.  I am sad about this because I've really felt a connection with her.  Jane emailed me today and let me know she is available any time, but I need to build up that relationship.

I finished the letter for my birth father, but still haven't figured out what to write to my siblings.  I may not send that one just yet.  I hope I was able to convey all my feelings in three short pages (they are hand-written on note paper, so it really is pretty short).  I've also picked out a few pictures to send with the letter and I hope they are representative of me and Nate. 

I have shared my pictures and story with many people at church now.  The more people that see the pictures, the varying response I get regarding who I look like.  I can't wait to find out more.

Time for bed now, but I am sure there is much more to come in the story of my search!

Waiting

After waiting for two weeks, I had another call with Kabin.  She asked how I was doing and said she didn't have any additional information.  She would try to call Eastern to see if they had heard anything yet, but let me know that sometimes it takes birth fathers a longer time to write because they have a hard time expressing their emotions.  Not much different than American men.

The days leading up to the call I wanted to reach out to her, but I didn't want to be a pest.  I did confirm that if she heard anything I wouldn't have to wait until Friday, but I heard nothing.

The waiting was difficult, but the result was well worth it!

Selig sind, die da Leid tragen

Nearly four weeks ago, on March 25, I received a phone call from Kabin at Children's Home.  It was time for our normal bi-weekly call and I figured my search would be the same.  No new news. 

I was getting ready to leave for Happy Hour with my team at work.  I figured there wouldn't be anything new, so I was trying to hurry the conversation along so my team didn't have to wait for me.  I said, "I suppose you don't have anything new for me today."  On the other end of the phone Kabin paused and said, "Well, I have some news for you today...  I have some good news and some bad news.  Actually, I have two good news and one bad news."  I think that my heart actually stopped.  I couldn't believe it!  It had only been a little over two months since I had begun my search.  I was almost positive I would not be able to locate anyone before we went to Korea .  In fact, I thought it was a long shot to ever locate anyone.

She said, "I'll tell you the good news first.  We've located your birth father."  I knew immediately, or at least had a strong feeling the bad news was that something had happened to my birth mother.  Otherwise, wouldn't she say something about her, as well.  I let Kabin finish telling me about how my father couldn't wait to see me and that he wanted to meet as soon as possible.

I was excited about my birth father, but I have always dreamt about my mother.  When Kabin finished telling me they also located my sisters, she told me the bad news.  My birth mother had passed away.  I'm not sure if I was crying before, but as soon as I heard this, the tears started to flow.  I would never be able to meet the woman who gave birth to me and then had to give me up due to social pressures.  The one person I had always dreamt of meeting was the one person I would not be able to meet.

I still find it hard to believe.  What would have happened if I had started searching as soon as I was old enough?  Would I have been able to meet her then?  I knew very little about my family.  In fact, I had very little detail.  Only the following, which Kabin forwarded to me later that afternoon:

Dear Ms. Kabin,
Hello!  I have good news for you!  Sara Ann’s birthfather was located and he confirmed that he’s the birthfather.  He was thrilled to hear from her and was very excited for Sara Ann’s outreach.  He wants to meet with her as soon as possible.  Unfortunately the birthmother has passed away.  Sara Ann’s older birthsisters are doing well.  We have received Sara Ann’s letter, so we will be forwarding her letter to the birthfather.  Birthfather will be working on his letter for Sara Ann.  Thank you, Have a nice weekend.

I had so many more questions!  The letter from Eastern Social Welfare Society contained so little information.  Where does my birth father live?  Do my birth sisters know about me?  When will I receive my letter from my birth father?  Do I have any other siblings?  How did my birth mother die?

While I was mourning the loss of my birth mother, I also rejoiced in the fact that I had a father and sisters that wanted to meet me!  They would be able to tell me about her and hopefully share pictures and stories.  I hoped I would be able to learn more. 

I had to call Nate because I wasn't going straight home and I had to tell someone!  He was the one who was certain we'd be able to find my birth family and meet them in June.  Turns out, he was right.  He was so wonderful and although he wasn't there while I was telling him, I felt so comforted by talking to him.

You may be wondering about the title of this post.  After I left work I had to head to Hamline University to sing Brahms' Ein deutsches Requiem in a piano concert with the Minnesota Chorale.  Brahms wrote this piece after the death of his mother in 1865.  The first movement of the work begins with "Selig sind, die da Leid tragen, denn sie sollen getröstet werden," or "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." 

Kathy, our conductor, gave us our last minute notes before the concert and then suggested we think of someone we could dedicate our performance to.  She has a very personal experience with the piece and the review of the concert quotes her saying "it became my way of processing death."  I will always relate this piece to the day I found out I had located my birth family.  Of course, I dedicated my performances for the weekend to my birth mother, who I had never met.  It was difficult to make it through the entire piece, but I can only hope my birth mother was able to hear me from where she is now.  I hope she would be proud.

Sisters

I've been thinking a lot about what my sisters are like.  Would we have been best friends?  Would I have been the annoying younger sister that just wanted to tag along? 

Having been the oldest child, with my brother barely a year younger than me and my sister, two and half years younger, I'm not sure what having a sibling several years older than me would be like.  I'm pretty close to Mike and Julie, but we grew up together - putting puzzles together in the basement, arguing with our parents to get a cat, walking to elementary school six blocks away.  Now, Mike & I play floor hockey together on Sundays.  Julie and I talk regularly and have our normal sisterly "discussions".  I can't imagine my life without them in it. 

Although I will never know, I wonder how my life would be different with two older sisters.  I'm curious if we would have a relationship like Julie and I have.  If we would be best friends one day and arguing about petty things the next.  If I couldn't wait to see them again if they moved away and if I would plan trips to visit them in Spain or New Jersey.  Would they have taught me how to put on make-up or what was the most fashionable style?  Would they comfort me if I was having boy trouble?

I'm curious what they look like and if I will look like them.  Are they tall and slender (that means I can get there with my diet!) or am I the tallest?  I always thought I was a taller Korean growing up.  I was in the back row in pictures in elementary school.  Gone are those days and now I stand in the front row or two in the MN Chorale.  I wear heels in hopes that I might end up in the next row up.  Do they have straight hair and brown eyes?

Another thought that weighs heavily on my mind is if they even know that I was born alive.  Or, did my birth parents, in the effort to avoid questions, tell them that I had died?  I hope they will be happy to meet me, but they could be too shocked or ashamed that our parents carried that lie with them.  Maybe my birth parents won't tell them that I am searching for them. 

I pray that I will be able to meet them in June or some day. 

Letter to My Birth Family

Below is the letter that I sent to Eastern to share with my birth family:

Hello!  My name is Sara Ann Pogorely and I’m your daughter.  I’m 32 years old.  It’s hard to believe that I will be coming to Korea in June.  It’s my hope that we will be able to meet.  I grew up in Minnesota in a wonderful family.  I had the chance to learn to play many instruments and music is a large part of my life.  I sing in several choirs.  I also love to play sports and regularly play soccer.  I went to school and have a degree in music.  I used to be a choir director, but now work for Target Corporation in merchandising.  I was married in December of 2008, to a wonderful man, Nate.  We have two cats and a townhouse in the suburbs in Minnesota.  It is our hope to buy a house in the near future and start a family of our own.  It is my dream to meet you, but if that is not possible, I want to thank you for the chance you gave me to live.  I have had many wonderful opportunities and hope that you have had the same.  I think of you often and wonder if we are alike.  Please consider meeting me. 

Love, Sara Ann Pogorely (Whang, Hee Jung)

When I began my search for my birth family, one of the things the agency requested was a letter to my birth family.  This is to help them know who you are today.  How does one summarize their life and desire to meet in one short paragraph?  I don't think the above is necessarily a good representation of what I want to tell them, but it was the best I could come up with at the time.

Writing this letter turned out to be more difficult than I thought.  If they are able to be located, what would my letter say that would get them to say, "We have to meet her!"?  My initial sheet of paper had a lot of text crossed out.  How personal should I get?  Should I tell them where I worked?  What I like to do?  How much history do I include?  How simple does it need to be to be able to be translated accurately?  I don't want to sound like I am begging to meet them; but the fact is, that if it would help to sound desperate, I would change the letter in a minute.  I felt like it was almost like writing a cover letter for a new job - show enough passion, but don't seem desperate or they won't want to interview you. 

It seems funny to think of it like that, but the thought is there: "If they think I'm good enough, they will want to meet me.  If they don't get that I've been successful or am otherwise happy, they won't want to meet."  Again, how do you send this over in a short paragraph?  Maybe I should send a second letter that is longer and has more details.

Reasons to Search

If you asked me six months ago why I wanted to search for my birth family, I would have told you that I wasn't certain that I would find my birth father and that he may not have known I exist.  This was based on the history that I had in my American file.  I was mostly interested in finding my birth mother (thinking she was single when I was born), and saying "Thank you for giving me life."  I wanted to see if we looked similar, if she was musical, outgoing.  What were my characteristic differences from my birth family that were driven by Nature, rather than Nurture?

Some of the reasons stay the same.  I still want to see the characteristics that I have acquired due to Nurture, what my birth family looks like, and if they are musical or athletic.  But I'm not sure saying thank you still applies.  Did they know that I was going to be a girl before I was born?  If not, they were hoping for a boy and terminating the pregnancy was not an option.  If they DID know I was a girl before I was born, they may have had a more difficult time, but being Catholic, it is likely that abortion was not an option.  I suppose I can say thank you for not leaving me on the steps of an orphanage.  I'm not sure how to respond to this.

Since I have two older sisters (and possibly younger siblings, as well), I may be able to see what I will look like when I am 40.  Who doesn't want to know if they will age well?  But again, what if I have a younger sister that my parents kept?  I don't think I will begrudge her anything.  God does everything for a reason.  To quote one of my favorite movies, The Sound of Music, "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  My window of opportunity has been amazing!

I would like to know what my parents told their family about my birth.  Did they tell them I died, as they were planning to?  Do they still feel regret or sorrow at giving me up?  Have they ever recanted their story and told my sisters and their parents the truth?  Were they curious about what I would end up like?  Have they ever tried to search for me?

I also know there are some questions that I now have that I will never know the answer to (I will add to this list as more questions pop into my head):

• Would my sisters and I have gotten along growing up?
• Would I still be as musical as I am today and had the opportunity to learn all the instruments that I now know?
• Would I have been good at Korean Dance and Drumming? (Seeing performances of drumming and dance, makes me wish I had been more involved as a younger child in Korean culture.  Everyone knows I love to perform!)
• What would life been like if I had been a boy?  Would I have been the darling of the family?
• What if I hadn't been adopted, and instead been a third girl?

I am sure I will have many more things to ponder, so this page may change over time.

A Tale of Two Stories

Once I sent my in paperwork to begin the search, I didn't know what I would find.  Would we be able to locate anyone?  How long would it take to hear anything?  I had had several friends search out their families with mixed results.  I had the supposed names of my birth parents on my adoption forms - they had been typed, had white-out over them, and "Confidential" stamped over that.  I guess whoever did that didn't mind that I could hold the sheet up to the light and read through the back side.  Another friend had searched for her birth family and found that the names she had (same situation) were not the correct names of her birth parents.  I'm not putting a ton of stock in them yet.  If they are accurate, a neighbor of my family who was from Korea told me the names were somewhat unique.  I remember standing outside by the garden with the names re-written on a post-it note, asking her about them. 

The other information contained in my American File is summarized below:

My Birth Certificate says I was born in Seoul on December 16, 1978 with the name of Whang, Hee Jung.  I have no records of my birth parents' information on my Birth Certificate.  In regards to my "Pre-Flight Report", it says: "She is fed with 250cc of milk mixing with cooked rice gruel every 4 hours, and takes the half-boiled yolk", "She babbles and laughs well", "She turns her body over and moves by stretching her back and legs.  She gets to know her milk-bottle and heads her hands for bottle.  She can stand up erectly well on someone's laps.  If someone has her sit down, then she can do for allittle (sic) while.  She likes to be held her foster mother's arms.  She is a cute and bright Korean baby girl." 

From Birth to Dec. 17, 1978, I was at Oh's Maternity Home in Seoul, and from Dec. 17, 1978, to the time that I left for America I was at Eastern Child Welfare Society, Inc. Angel Babies Home.  On my questionnaire, the names of my birth parents are typed and whited-out. This document says they were 28 and 24-years old and unmarried. 

Perhaps, the most fun to read was my Narrative Case History.  I won't type it all here, but highlight the parts that I find intriguing:

• "This child, Whang, Hee Jung, is a 25 day old, cute and lovely full Korean baby girl with black hair, black eyes and white skin." 
• "The baby was referred to our agency for adoption by her biological mother on Dec. 17, 1978, because the mother was very poor and couldn't raise her baby by herself.  And she wanted the baby to be sent into a good and happy family."
• "The baby's name was given by our worker.  Whang is the father's family name, the first name Hee means joyful and the middle name Jung stands for calm.  We want the baby to grow as a beautiful and noble lady in her future."
• To paraphrase my birth parents' story according to the case history, they were not married and had separated due to characteristic problems.  He was in the army in Vietnam and his parents were opposed to their relationship.  After they separated, she knew of her pregnancy, but did not know how to find him.  It tells their height and blood type, specifics that seem out of place in a document that otherwise only gives basic information on my birth parents.

While talking to Nate, I started to tell him of the risks of searching and the likelihood that we would not be able to find any of my birth family.  He had just assumed that we would meet them when we arrived in Korea on our tour in June.  In truth, I actually felt that there would be less than 50% chance of me finding anyone.  At the time I was adopted in the late 70's, there were few records kept.  I had the papers from my parents from my American file.  I had no clue what information they may or may not have in Korea. 

I was about to find out.

On February 2, 2011, I received an email from Jan Dunn at Dillon with the information they received from my Korean File.  It couldn't be more different than what I had thought my entire life!  This letter I will include almost in full.  I will only leave out a few particularly identifying notes. 

Here is the background information about the adoptee:
The birth parents were married and had two daughters aged 8 and 7 at the time of intake. The birth father was 33 years old and the birth mother was 29 years old at that time. The birth father is the only son to his parents and his parents wanted to have a grandson. The birth mother had pressure to give birth to a son and was worried after she gave birth to the adoptee. The birth parents had full consideration about the adoptee and decided to refer the adoptee for adoption because of the high expectation his parents had. At that time they were going to tell a lie to his parents that the baby died after birth.

Birth father: After high school graduation, he joined the military army and was deployed to Vietnam in 1968. When he was in Vietnam, he received a comforting letter from a girl and the girl was the birth mother. (Sara Ann, it was common for schools in Korea to encourage students to write letters to soldiers who were serving in the Vietnam War). Since then they kept in touch by letters. After discharged from military service, the birth father met the birth mother in 1969. The birth parents lived together and later registered their marriage and had a wedding ceremony. He is 175cm in height and his religion is Catholic. He tends to be smart. He is thoughtful and cheerful.

Birth mother: After graduating from high school, she stayed at home and helped the household. She is 163cm in height and her religion is Catholic. She is good natured and calm. The birth parents hoped the adoptee is placed through overseas. They were very sad and had hard time at the time of referring the baby for adoption.

The adoptee was born at 7:20 pm on Dec. 16, 1978. The birth weight of the adoptee is 3.2kg.

We have the names of the birth parents and their ages but no ID numbers for them. Therefore, it would not be easy to locate the current information about the birth parents. However, the names of the birth parents are not common in Korea and there might be a little possibility of locating them if we attempt to search through a police station, I think. If the adoptee wants further search by a police station, we will contact the police station and ask them to do it.


The stories are quite different.  My birth parents are married.  I'm not the oldest - I have two sisters (at least).  As is common, they were hoping for a son.  They met very romantically - writing letters during the Vietnam war.  I know what time I was born (something I have always wondered, since I'm a night person) and how much I weighed.

You may ask how I am dealing with the new information.  How I feel about being the one given up.  My response is that I'm doing quite well.  But, I will get into the emotions of this information another time.  I know that God does everything for a reason, sending me to Minnesota, included.  My parents had prayed for a child for a long time and I was the answer to their prayers. 

Rather than a 50% chance of finding them, I might up the chances in my head to 70%.  I still have to be realistic, but they have names that are less common and the authorities know some more information about them than just their names.  I had asked how often the Korean File is inaccurate - answer, not often.  Now I'm just pondering the similarities and differences between the two and preparing myself for the next step in the search: waiting.  Will we be able to meet them when we arrive in Korea?  I will be hearing if there is any progress in my search every two weeks or so.  If you know me, you know patience is NOT one of my virtues.

History

As the "About Me" section states, I am a Korean American adoptee.  I was born on December 16, 1978, and came to America on May 1, 1979, a little May Day bundle.  Meeting me at the airport were my parents, Nanny & Gramps, Baba, my aunt & uncle, my future Godmother, and many other people.  I believe Art Linkletter (from Kid's Say the Darndest Things)was on the plane as well, and thought the entourage was for him.  Nope, I was the lucky one! 

It was a tricky flight, however.  The night before I was to arrive, my parents found out I was headed Chicago - O'Hare airport.  Except everyone was meeting me in Minneapolis.  In the middle of the night, my parents had to find a Notary and get documentation signed that someone could escort me from O'Hare to Minneapolis.  Fortunately, it all worked out.

And then March, 1980, my brother Mike was born.  The following July, 1981, Julie came along.  Mom and Dad had three kids under the age of 3.  After ten years of marriage, they had a very busy family!

I have always known I was adopted.  It's hard not to when you look nothing like your parents and siblings, although I think some families could fake it for awhile.  My parents always told me I was special and that God had chosen me specially for them.  They were very open about my adoption and my questions about my birth family.  When I was old enough, I was allowed to see the adoption papers.  I don't know how much I really remembered about them at the time.  I knew I wanted to someday go back to Korea and maybe find my birth parents.

Then the 1988 Summer Olympics came to Seoul.  I remember BEGGING my parents to bring me.  I was almost ten and watched the Opening Ceremonies from my couch, so proud of my birth country.  In retrospect, I was probably too young to attend, but still wish I could have been a part of that history. 

In high school English class I wrote a paper about searching for my birth family.  Mom and Dad were so supportive of any decisions I made.  I do believe this made me a more well-balanced adoptee.  I was never afraid they would be hurt by my questions or upset that I wanted to search for my birth family.  They answered all my questions and gave me all the contacts I would need to complete my paper.  If I can find it, I will post it here in the future.  At that time, I was too young and not quite ready to begin my search.

Then college came along and the age where I could begin the search if I wanted to.  For some reason, I always delayed sending the paperwork in.  I was enjoying singing in the Concordia Choir and experiencing life on my own for the first time.  The paper I had written was on the back burner.

In 2002, FIFA World Cup came to Korea & Japan.  Being an avid soccer player (still am!), I wanted to go to Korea for the event.  Alas, I was unable to go due to lack of funds (being a recent college grad).  I still wanted to search for my birth family, but now I was thinking I would like to do it with someone significant.  I wasn't sure who that would be, but I was patiently waiting to see when my future mate would come along.  It's too bad I didn't know Nate then, as soccer was one of the first things that drew us together.  We were married on December 28, 2008, eight years after World Cup.

After all this time has gone by, at 32, I am finally ready to make the leap.  Nate, my parents, and I are heading to Korea in June, 2011, with Children's Home Society's Tour Korea.  As a part of the visit, I hope I am able to search out some of my roots. 

In stepping into this journey, throughout the years, I have thought a lot about the possibilities, the potential outcomes, and what this may mean for my future and I hope to share my journey with you!