Waiting

After waiting for two weeks, I had another call with Kabin.  She asked how I was doing and said she didn't have any additional information.  She would try to call Eastern to see if they had heard anything yet, but let me know that sometimes it takes birth fathers a longer time to write because they have a hard time expressing their emotions.  Not much different than American men.

The days leading up to the call I wanted to reach out to her, but I didn't want to be a pest.  I did confirm that if she heard anything I wouldn't have to wait until Friday, but I heard nothing.

The waiting was difficult, but the result was well worth it!

Selig sind, die da Leid tragen

Nearly four weeks ago, on March 25, I received a phone call from Kabin at Children's Home.  It was time for our normal bi-weekly call and I figured my search would be the same.  No new news. 

I was getting ready to leave for Happy Hour with my team at work.  I figured there wouldn't be anything new, so I was trying to hurry the conversation along so my team didn't have to wait for me.  I said, "I suppose you don't have anything new for me today."  On the other end of the phone Kabin paused and said, "Well, I have some news for you today...  I have some good news and some bad news.  Actually, I have two good news and one bad news."  I think that my heart actually stopped.  I couldn't believe it!  It had only been a little over two months since I had begun my search.  I was almost positive I would not be able to locate anyone before we went to Korea .  In fact, I thought it was a long shot to ever locate anyone.

She said, "I'll tell you the good news first.  We've located your birth father."  I knew immediately, or at least had a strong feeling the bad news was that something had happened to my birth mother.  Otherwise, wouldn't she say something about her, as well.  I let Kabin finish telling me about how my father couldn't wait to see me and that he wanted to meet as soon as possible.

I was excited about my birth father, but I have always dreamt about my mother.  When Kabin finished telling me they also located my sisters, she told me the bad news.  My birth mother had passed away.  I'm not sure if I was crying before, but as soon as I heard this, the tears started to flow.  I would never be able to meet the woman who gave birth to me and then had to give me up due to social pressures.  The one person I had always dreamt of meeting was the one person I would not be able to meet.

I still find it hard to believe.  What would have happened if I had started searching as soon as I was old enough?  Would I have been able to meet her then?  I knew very little about my family.  In fact, I had very little detail.  Only the following, which Kabin forwarded to me later that afternoon:

Dear Ms. Kabin,
Hello!  I have good news for you!  Sara Ann’s birthfather was located and he confirmed that he’s the birthfather.  He was thrilled to hear from her and was very excited for Sara Ann’s outreach.  He wants to meet with her as soon as possible.  Unfortunately the birthmother has passed away.  Sara Ann’s older birthsisters are doing well.  We have received Sara Ann’s letter, so we will be forwarding her letter to the birthfather.  Birthfather will be working on his letter for Sara Ann.  Thank you, Have a nice weekend.

I had so many more questions!  The letter from Eastern Social Welfare Society contained so little information.  Where does my birth father live?  Do my birth sisters know about me?  When will I receive my letter from my birth father?  Do I have any other siblings?  How did my birth mother die?

While I was mourning the loss of my birth mother, I also rejoiced in the fact that I had a father and sisters that wanted to meet me!  They would be able to tell me about her and hopefully share pictures and stories.  I hoped I would be able to learn more. 

I had to call Nate because I wasn't going straight home and I had to tell someone!  He was the one who was certain we'd be able to find my birth family and meet them in June.  Turns out, he was right.  He was so wonderful and although he wasn't there while I was telling him, I felt so comforted by talking to him.

You may be wondering about the title of this post.  After I left work I had to head to Hamline University to sing Brahms' Ein deutsches Requiem in a piano concert with the Minnesota Chorale.  Brahms wrote this piece after the death of his mother in 1865.  The first movement of the work begins with "Selig sind, die da Leid tragen, denn sie sollen getröstet werden," or "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." 

Kathy, our conductor, gave us our last minute notes before the concert and then suggested we think of someone we could dedicate our performance to.  She has a very personal experience with the piece and the review of the concert quotes her saying "it became my way of processing death."  I will always relate this piece to the day I found out I had located my birth family.  Of course, I dedicated my performances for the weekend to my birth mother, who I had never met.  It was difficult to make it through the entire piece, but I can only hope my birth mother was able to hear me from where she is now.  I hope she would be proud.

Sisters

I've been thinking a lot about what my sisters are like.  Would we have been best friends?  Would I have been the annoying younger sister that just wanted to tag along? 

Having been the oldest child, with my brother barely a year younger than me and my sister, two and half years younger, I'm not sure what having a sibling several years older than me would be like.  I'm pretty close to Mike and Julie, but we grew up together - putting puzzles together in the basement, arguing with our parents to get a cat, walking to elementary school six blocks away.  Now, Mike & I play floor hockey together on Sundays.  Julie and I talk regularly and have our normal sisterly "discussions".  I can't imagine my life without them in it. 

Although I will never know, I wonder how my life would be different with two older sisters.  I'm curious if we would have a relationship like Julie and I have.  If we would be best friends one day and arguing about petty things the next.  If I couldn't wait to see them again if they moved away and if I would plan trips to visit them in Spain or New Jersey.  Would they have taught me how to put on make-up or what was the most fashionable style?  Would they comfort me if I was having boy trouble?

I'm curious what they look like and if I will look like them.  Are they tall and slender (that means I can get there with my diet!) or am I the tallest?  I always thought I was a taller Korean growing up.  I was in the back row in pictures in elementary school.  Gone are those days and now I stand in the front row or two in the MN Chorale.  I wear heels in hopes that I might end up in the next row up.  Do they have straight hair and brown eyes?

Another thought that weighs heavily on my mind is if they even know that I was born alive.  Or, did my birth parents, in the effort to avoid questions, tell them that I had died?  I hope they will be happy to meet me, but they could be too shocked or ashamed that our parents carried that lie with them.  Maybe my birth parents won't tell them that I am searching for them. 

I pray that I will be able to meet them in June or some day. 

Letter to My Birth Family

Below is the letter that I sent to Eastern to share with my birth family:

Hello!  My name is Sara Ann Pogorely and I’m your daughter.  I’m 32 years old.  It’s hard to believe that I will be coming to Korea in June.  It’s my hope that we will be able to meet.  I grew up in Minnesota in a wonderful family.  I had the chance to learn to play many instruments and music is a large part of my life.  I sing in several choirs.  I also love to play sports and regularly play soccer.  I went to school and have a degree in music.  I used to be a choir director, but now work for Target Corporation in merchandising.  I was married in December of 2008, to a wonderful man, Nate.  We have two cats and a townhouse in the suburbs in Minnesota.  It is our hope to buy a house in the near future and start a family of our own.  It is my dream to meet you, but if that is not possible, I want to thank you for the chance you gave me to live.  I have had many wonderful opportunities and hope that you have had the same.  I think of you often and wonder if we are alike.  Please consider meeting me. 

Love, Sara Ann Pogorely (Whang, Hee Jung)

When I began my search for my birth family, one of the things the agency requested was a letter to my birth family.  This is to help them know who you are today.  How does one summarize their life and desire to meet in one short paragraph?  I don't think the above is necessarily a good representation of what I want to tell them, but it was the best I could come up with at the time.

Writing this letter turned out to be more difficult than I thought.  If they are able to be located, what would my letter say that would get them to say, "We have to meet her!"?  My initial sheet of paper had a lot of text crossed out.  How personal should I get?  Should I tell them where I worked?  What I like to do?  How much history do I include?  How simple does it need to be to be able to be translated accurately?  I don't want to sound like I am begging to meet them; but the fact is, that if it would help to sound desperate, I would change the letter in a minute.  I felt like it was almost like writing a cover letter for a new job - show enough passion, but don't seem desperate or they won't want to interview you. 

It seems funny to think of it like that, but the thought is there: "If they think I'm good enough, they will want to meet me.  If they don't get that I've been successful or am otherwise happy, they won't want to meet."  Again, how do you send this over in a short paragraph?  Maybe I should send a second letter that is longer and has more details.

Reasons to Search

If you asked me six months ago why I wanted to search for my birth family, I would have told you that I wasn't certain that I would find my birth father and that he may not have known I exist.  This was based on the history that I had in my American file.  I was mostly interested in finding my birth mother (thinking she was single when I was born), and saying "Thank you for giving me life."  I wanted to see if we looked similar, if she was musical, outgoing.  What were my characteristic differences from my birth family that were driven by Nature, rather than Nurture?

Some of the reasons stay the same.  I still want to see the characteristics that I have acquired due to Nurture, what my birth family looks like, and if they are musical or athletic.  But I'm not sure saying thank you still applies.  Did they know that I was going to be a girl before I was born?  If not, they were hoping for a boy and terminating the pregnancy was not an option.  If they DID know I was a girl before I was born, they may have had a more difficult time, but being Catholic, it is likely that abortion was not an option.  I suppose I can say thank you for not leaving me on the steps of an orphanage.  I'm not sure how to respond to this.

Since I have two older sisters (and possibly younger siblings, as well), I may be able to see what I will look like when I am 40.  Who doesn't want to know if they will age well?  But again, what if I have a younger sister that my parents kept?  I don't think I will begrudge her anything.  God does everything for a reason.  To quote one of my favorite movies, The Sound of Music, "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  My window of opportunity has been amazing!

I would like to know what my parents told their family about my birth.  Did they tell them I died, as they were planning to?  Do they still feel regret or sorrow at giving me up?  Have they ever recanted their story and told my sisters and their parents the truth?  Were they curious about what I would end up like?  Have they ever tried to search for me?

I also know there are some questions that I now have that I will never know the answer to (I will add to this list as more questions pop into my head):

• Would my sisters and I have gotten along growing up?
• Would I still be as musical as I am today and had the opportunity to learn all the instruments that I now know?
• Would I have been good at Korean Dance and Drumming? (Seeing performances of drumming and dance, makes me wish I had been more involved as a younger child in Korean culture.  Everyone knows I love to perform!)
• What would life been like if I had been a boy?  Would I have been the darling of the family?
• What if I hadn't been adopted, and instead been a third girl?

I am sure I will have many more things to ponder, so this page may change over time.