Selig sind, die da Leid tragen

Nearly four weeks ago, on March 25, I received a phone call from Kabin at Children's Home.  It was time for our normal bi-weekly call and I figured my search would be the same.  No new news. 

I was getting ready to leave for Happy Hour with my team at work.  I figured there wouldn't be anything new, so I was trying to hurry the conversation along so my team didn't have to wait for me.  I said, "I suppose you don't have anything new for me today."  On the other end of the phone Kabin paused and said, "Well, I have some news for you today...  I have some good news and some bad news.  Actually, I have two good news and one bad news."  I think that my heart actually stopped.  I couldn't believe it!  It had only been a little over two months since I had begun my search.  I was almost positive I would not be able to locate anyone before we went to Korea .  In fact, I thought it was a long shot to ever locate anyone.

She said, "I'll tell you the good news first.  We've located your birth father."  I knew immediately, or at least had a strong feeling the bad news was that something had happened to my birth mother.  Otherwise, wouldn't she say something about her, as well.  I let Kabin finish telling me about how my father couldn't wait to see me and that he wanted to meet as soon as possible.

I was excited about my birth father, but I have always dreamt about my mother.  When Kabin finished telling me they also located my sisters, she told me the bad news.  My birth mother had passed away.  I'm not sure if I was crying before, but as soon as I heard this, the tears started to flow.  I would never be able to meet the woman who gave birth to me and then had to give me up due to social pressures.  The one person I had always dreamt of meeting was the one person I would not be able to meet.

I still find it hard to believe.  What would have happened if I had started searching as soon as I was old enough?  Would I have been able to meet her then?  I knew very little about my family.  In fact, I had very little detail.  Only the following, which Kabin forwarded to me later that afternoon:

Dear Ms. Kabin,
Hello!  I have good news for you!  Sara Ann’s birthfather was located and he confirmed that he’s the birthfather.  He was thrilled to hear from her and was very excited for Sara Ann’s outreach.  He wants to meet with her as soon as possible.  Unfortunately the birthmother has passed away.  Sara Ann’s older birthsisters are doing well.  We have received Sara Ann’s letter, so we will be forwarding her letter to the birthfather.  Birthfather will be working on his letter for Sara Ann.  Thank you, Have a nice weekend.

I had so many more questions!  The letter from Eastern Social Welfare Society contained so little information.  Where does my birth father live?  Do my birth sisters know about me?  When will I receive my letter from my birth father?  Do I have any other siblings?  How did my birth mother die?

While I was mourning the loss of my birth mother, I also rejoiced in the fact that I had a father and sisters that wanted to meet me!  They would be able to tell me about her and hopefully share pictures and stories.  I hoped I would be able to learn more. 

I had to call Nate because I wasn't going straight home and I had to tell someone!  He was the one who was certain we'd be able to find my birth family and meet them in June.  Turns out, he was right.  He was so wonderful and although he wasn't there while I was telling him, I felt so comforted by talking to him.

You may be wondering about the title of this post.  After I left work I had to head to Hamline University to sing Brahms' Ein deutsches Requiem in a piano concert with the Minnesota Chorale.  Brahms wrote this piece after the death of his mother in 1865.  The first movement of the work begins with "Selig sind, die da Leid tragen, denn sie sollen getröstet werden," or "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." 

Kathy, our conductor, gave us our last minute notes before the concert and then suggested we think of someone we could dedicate our performance to.  She has a very personal experience with the piece and the review of the concert quotes her saying "it became my way of processing death."  I will always relate this piece to the day I found out I had located my birth family.  Of course, I dedicated my performances for the weekend to my birth mother, who I had never met.  It was difficult to make it through the entire piece, but I can only hope my birth mother was able to hear me from where she is now.  I hope she would be proud.