The Letter

(From my journal dated 4/13/2011)

I can hardly believe that I have a letter from my birth father!  On April 12, Kabin called me to say the letter from him had arrived and that she would love for me to come to CHSFS to pick it up and talk about the information.  I could hardly wait for the work day to get over so I could read what he had to say!

When I got to CHSFS, Kabin greeted me at the door.  We went to a conference room where we sat down to talk.  First, Kabin sowed me the letter and let me take my time reading it.  I got teary eyed as I was reading. I just finished "I Wish for You a Beautiful Life" and the letter had a similar tone.  My birth father wants to meet me and has been dreaming about it the past 30+ years.  His letter is filled with the joy of our upcoming meeting and remorse/regret for giving me up for adoption.  He cannot wait to meet my parents and Nate, his son-in-law.

Kabin said it was a good letter for a birth father - he shared his emotions freely, which is often difficult for them to do.  She was very impressed with his letter.  From his letter and his communication with Eastern in Seoul, she said his personality seems a lot like mine. 

I learned so much yesterday, it's so hard to write everything at once and to order things that are most important.  I think Kabin wanted me to read the letter first because my birth father also wrote about my brother!  I have a younger brother who was born in 1980.  I have another younger brother, the same age as Mike!  My first thought was, "Thank you Lord, for giving my birth parents the son that they wanted!"  My second thought was that I was so happy I had an even larger family.  Kabin asked about how I felt about hearing I had a brother and I told her my thoughts.  She seemed surprised, so I asked if this was uncommon and she said that sometimes people take some time to process the news.  It really just brings me great joy!  I have two sisters AND a brother!

Another thing I noticed in the letter from my birth father was that my sisters' names are YoonJeoung & HyeJeoung and my brother's name is YoonJo.  My Korean name is HeeJeoung (although I always spelled it HeeJung).  My sisters and I have the same second syllable.  This is just like Mom, Julie and me - we all have the middle name Ann.  Small coincidence, but such a special one to me. 

My birth father and mother parted in 1983 and both remarried.  My birth father has been married to his current wife 26 years and she raised my siblings.  She is 14 years younger than him and knows about me. My birth father lives close enough to Eastern to go there twice - once to pick up my letter and once to drop off his letter for me.  The first time, my stepmother went with him.  When Kabin first told me that he went there twice, I thought she meant he went to look for me before I started searching.  I guess a part of me hoped that he was searching for me, too.  He went alone the second time and I guess he was very talkative and was telling a lot of stories. 

Apparently, it's not always common for second wives to have good relationships with their husband's previous family.  It's a blessing that she knows about me and was there to support my birth father.  I am excited to meet her!  And I am also thankful she is there for him.

Little by little, Kabin told me more of what she know, but first she let me look at the pictures my birth father had sent.  The pictures were from my brother's wedding.  The first picture I looked at was the third one on the page - a picture of my three siblings.  Then there was a picture in the middle of my birth father, brother and another woman, who I realized was my stepmother.  At the top was my entire family - including brothers- and sister-in-law, three nephews, and a niece!  I'm an aunt!

The first thing I thought was, "I don't know if I look like any of them!"  I couldn't tell at first glance.  Kabin said she thought I looked like my brother and a little like one of my sisters.  I'm not sure which one is the oldest or how current the pictures are.  I think now that I have had more of a chance to look at the pictures, I smile like the one sister and we have the same nose, but my eyes are more like my brother's.  I wonder how much more we will look alike once we meet.  I couldn't stop looking at the pictures and I for sure wanted to see more!  I wonder how old my niece and nephews are now.  It will definitely determine what sort of gifts I will bring them.

Apparently my birth father owned his own business and is now retired.  He has been resting and travelling around Korea.  Five or six years ago, he was diagnosed with final stage liver cancer and only given a short time to live.  Somehow he miraculously recovered and attributes it to the fact that he was meant to meet me someday.  Kabin assured me he is now fine.  If anything were to happen, the Korean agency would let us know and I could fly out there sooner. 

Unfortunately, there was not much information about my birth mother.  She also remarried, but did not have any additional children and passed away about five years ago.  She was not able to see my birth father or siblings very often because she didn't share that she was previously married with her new family.  Any time she was able to meet them was in secret.  I can't imagine how her life must have been - having to give up one child for adoption and not being able to see her other children.  My birth father wants to take me to where she was buried when we meet.  I wonder what would have happened if I began my search earlier.  Would I have been able to meet her?  Would she even wanted to have contact or be able to, or would she have been to worried about her current husband/family finding out?  I know that I can't live with regrets, but I part of me wonders why I waited until now to search.  I hope that I will at least be able to see pictures of her and hear stories about her.

Now I have the difficult task of writing a letter and choosing pictures to send back.  I want to make sure I let him know that I am not upset with their decision to give me up for adoption.  I want to assure him of my love.  I want to tell him more about my life than the little I shared in my first letter.  I realize now how impersonal it was.  I want to finish as soon as possible so eh can hopefully have time to write back one more time before we go to Korea.  Kabin also suggested I write a letter to my siblings . That will also be difficult to do, I think. 

I went to Mom & Dad's for dinner, where I met Nate.  I shared everything with them and Rob & Julie at the same time.  Everyone at the table had tears in their eyes (even Dad!) and Mom wanted to read the letter over and over again.  I asked her later if she was ok with all the new information and wanted to assure her that she is my mom.  No new family or new information will ever change that.  She asked me if I had said anything to Dad and was worried how he was feeling since we were meeting my birth father.  I went to give him a hug and he was coming up the stairs from copying the picture on the scanner.  He said, "I'm just so excited - I never thought we'd be able to meet him.  I know how you feel."  Spoken in true Dad style.  I'm so thankful they are so supportive of me and my search and are genuinely happy for me.

Fast forward to today:
Tomorrow after work I have the Korean adoptee discussion group at CHSFS and I'm meeting Kabin beforehand.  I found out on Friday that she is not able to come on our trip with us since there aren't too many people traveling on this tour.  I am sad about this because I've really felt a connection with her.  Jane emailed me today and let me know she is available any time, but I need to build up that relationship.

I finished the letter for my birth father, but still haven't figured out what to write to my siblings.  I may not send that one just yet.  I hope I was able to convey all my feelings in three short pages (they are hand-written on note paper, so it really is pretty short).  I've also picked out a few pictures to send with the letter and I hope they are representative of me and Nate. 

I have shared my pictures and story with many people at church now.  The more people that see the pictures, the varying response I get regarding who I look like.  I can't wait to find out more.

Time for bed now, but I am sure there is much more to come in the story of my search!