Land of the Morning Calm

I can hardly believe I've been in Korea a week!  So many amazing things have happened!  I met my birth family for the first time last Saturday.  I am not sure how to put so many feelings and happenings into words in a short time.  To put it into one entry would not do things justice, but I know that many people are waiting to hear stories and see pictures. 

My birth family is so amazing!  They have been so generous and loving to Nate, my parents, and me.  We have been spending as much time together as possible until we left to go to Haeinsa, Daegu and now Gyeongju.  The first day that we met, my birth father and stepmother, brother and sister-in-law with their son, and oldest sister (Uhnnee) and her husband came to meet me at Eastern.  I can't believe how well it went.  We arrived first and they shortly afterwards.  I was mostly excited, and maybe a tiny bit nervous. 

We talked for a little while there, but then went to my birth father's home for lunch and to get to know one another more.  The entire family would show up there and we spent a wonderful few hours together.  We had Jane as a translator, which was wonderful, but during lunch, Nate & I sat on the floor, while the parents talked at the table with her translating.  However, I felt like I just fit in, even though we didn't know anything (actually, almost everything) they were saying.  Fortunately, my brother speaks pretty good English. 

My oldest sister and brother-in-law (Hyungboo) SangMan drove us back to our hotel.  She is wonderful!  We have spent a lot of time in the car together and I think she might be the one that I become the closest to.  We will stay at their house two days after the tour has ended.  She told me that my laugh is like my birth mothers and a little like hers. 

It is amazing the number of similarities between my siblings, and some of the differences, too.  We are all pretty outgoing and have the same nose.  Immediately when my brother walked into the room at the agency, my birth father commented that we were definitely siblings.  I am the only one of my siblings that has glasses.  I'm not sure if that's due to genetics or if they acutally need glasses, but don't wear them, or if they have had surgery to correct their vision. 

My birth family had wanted to spend from 11 am until 9 pm our first day together.  Actually, they wanted to meet us at the airport the first night that we came in, but I am so glad that Jane said no.  After a sixteen hour travel time (12-hour flight the first leg), I would have been too tired to comprehend what was going on.  They had so many things they wanted to show me and wanted to fit it all in the weekend.  Fortunately, on Sunday we had the morning until 4 pm where we went shopping, to lunch, and then to see a parade for the Tripitaka Koreana and dress up for the changing of the guard at the palace. 

On Monday we spent the afternoon and evening with them, going to a palace, museum, take-out from pizza hut (I had bulgogi pizza), and a night-time boat cruise on the Han River.  It was so much fun, and again I felt like one of the family.  My brother and Uhnnee Hye Jung took the day off of work and my niece and one of my nephews took off school.  Koreans only get five days off of work a year and education is top priority, so this was a big deal.  We had to say goodbye this evening for a few days while our tour went South. 

I have posted some pictures on my facebook page, but below are some of my family.  Nate's camera has the best pictures on it, but we don't have the connection to the computer.  Everything is wonderful and I wish I could stay for a whole month, rather than just a few extra days. 

I hope to post more while we are here! 



Sisters - HyeJung, HeeJung, YoonJung






Seven Hours and Counting

You would think that I, of all people, would sleep in when I could.  I used to sleep until noon on the weekends and even now, I try to get the last minute possible before getting up for work. 

Not now, when I'm getting ready to leave for Korea. 

Yesterday, I had the day off of work, but I got up 6 AM, even earlier than normal!  I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep again, but I kept waking up and thinking about the trip and what I still needed to do.

The same thing happened today.  I was up almost every hour and then finally got up at 7 AM.  We are almost all packed, except for a few last minute things.  And we don't have to leave for the airport until 11:30 AM.  I ended up re-packing Nate's suitcase to fit his shoes in and going through all my makeup and jewelry last night to figure out what I should bring.  Definitely packed too much of everything, but since we are staying longer, I didn't know exactly how to pack - what situations we might be in, what the weather would be like.


And I was sad that it was the last night Coco would sleep at my feet and Storm would snuggle up, until July.  It's definitely the longest I have been away from them.  Prior to this, I think it's only been ten days, at most.  Their fate is in Rob, Mike and Julie, and Dorothy, Rich & Alycia's hands. 

I'm anxious to get going this morning, but Nate is still sleeping, so I don't want to disturb him.  And there is very little milk left, so I want to share that with him and don't want to take the last.  When will that boy wake up?

This is the last time I'll be writing before I leave, but we hope that in Korea we will be able to upload some pictures and document a few things.  I want to share the Journey with everyone!  An nyoung ha seh yo, Korea!

Less than two days...

I'm so excited that I can barely stop to think!  Tonight after I got done with work, I went over to my parents' house for dinner with them and Julie & Rob.  We had to try out the new camcorder to make sure it worked and we knew how to use it.  Then Julie & Rob came to our house to see what to do about the cats and how to work the remote for the TV. 

Since they left, all I can think about is making sure I have everything packed - last minute laundry, toiletries, house cleaned, etc.  I have tomorrow still, but have some work things to wrap up still, as well as my manicure/pedicure and stopping at Children's Home Society to share my album that I made for my birth father with Kabin.  So much to do, it seems, and not enough time to do it!  I have to be careful about my nails tomorrow night, so I have to wrap everything computer/laundry-related up before 4:15 pm.

I can't wait to board the plane!

Meeting Details

I found out that my first meeting with my birth family will be next Saturday, June 18th.  We will go to ESWS in the morning to meet my birth father with Jane and a social worker from ESWS.  We will have the social worker until 3 pm that day and will make our plans for future visit(s) at that time.  One of those will be a visit to the place where my birth mother is buried.  He also wants us to stay one night with him. 

In talking to Jane, she said the personality similarities between my birth father and I are uncanny.  We both like things to be just in order and be prepared.  He has been calling ESWS every day (sometimes multiple times) to get details about our visit.  He wants to know what my favorite color is and what I like to eat.  Not surprising, these are all things they have no idea about!  I doubt they would guess my favorite color is orange.  Maybe they could figure out that I love chocolate and ice cream.  And not that I call CHSFS every day, either.  More like every other week and then occasional emails in between calls.  Only because I can't wait to receive the letters that were sent from my birth father.  Could anyone wait?

I can't believe that we leave in less than a week and that we are going to see my birth family so soon!  I am getting more and more excited and have so much to do still.  I can hardly sleep at night!  I think about what the flight will be like - will I be able to sleep? Should I even try to sleep?  How our first meeting will go - will I give him a hug right away? Who will be there? Will I be able to convince him that he doesn't need to feel guilty? Will he like my presents? How many boxes of kleenix will I go through? Will we be able to communicate without a translator?

I am also worried about how much I have to do at work before we leave.  I only have two days left, but will likely have plenty to do over the weekend or on our last day before we leave, which I currently plan to take off.  How will I be able to get everything wrapped up that I need to?  I really don't want to leave anything open for my coworker who will be covering for me.  And then I'm gone for nearly three weeks!  It helps that the Fourth of July holiday is situated in there.

Today I called the travel agent who planned our trip.  When I called Delta the other day, they told me they couldn't talk to me and somewhat rudely went into to the myriad of reasons they couldn't talk to me.  Since we booked through a travel agent, just couldn't say anything because I might sue them.  Now, I understand that these days, people will sue for just about any reason, but they could have been polite about it.  I had to interrupt to simply say that I understood and all she had to say was that I should contact our travel agent.  I didn't need the rude explanation immediately following the question.

Fortunately, Shayna, the travel agent CHSFS works with, was extremely helpful and I found out there is room to extend our flight through July 2nd.  The cost is under the amount I was hoping to pay per person and there is availability on both flights departing out of Seoul that day.  Now I just have to convince Nate that we should do it.  We can wait until after we are in Korea to decide, but flights might not be available and it could be more difficult.  I don't want to risk not getting a flight when I know this is what I want to do.  Who knows how long it will be before I can get back.  I know that I would be ok staying on my own, but I would much rather prefer that he stay with me.  We wouldn't tell my birth family until we see how things go.  If nothing else, we can stay privately on our own if we don't want to stay with them.  Here's to hoping he will decide yes tomorrow so I can book the change before the weekend. 

Second Letter

It seems as though I have waited so long for this second letter.  I finally received the translation today, although Kabin already gave me the "brief synopsis" of what it said earlier this week.  I found out last Thursday that the letter had arrived, but needed to be translated.  One whole week!

There are the same tones of guilt and remorse from my birth father.  How will I ever be able to show him that I love him no matter what?  Because of his decision long ago, I have had the opportunity to bring joy to my family and friends here in MN, to receive a wonderful education, to sing on a stage with world renowned conductors, to be baptized an Orthodox Christian, to marry my husband, Nate; the list could go on and on!  I hope that in time he will come to realize that it wasn't a mistake; it was a blessing. 

As the day grows closer that I get to see your face (something I’ve only dreamed of) that I’ve wanted to see so badly, I worry and am scared as to whether this sinful father of yours [me] has any right to meet you.  I spend each, long day thinking about that.  Reading your letter that I so waited for, I picture you, who has grown up so beautifully, standing in front of me.  I am ashamed to meet you after having left such an extremely large scar in your embrace.  Should it not have been better for you to find out that your father was no longer alive in this world?  However, about six years ago, I overcame a serious illness.  I had lived thus far wondering about this survival experience in my heart, but now I realize it all happened so that I could meet you, My Third Daughter. Every time I see that television Program “I Want to See That Person”*, my chest tightened and the past pulled desperately at my heart.  I lived my live with a lot of regret and lamentation, hoping that, if you were living in this world somewhere, there would be a chance someday to meet you no matter how far away you were.  I am thankful to God that the time I lived was not for nothing. 

 

My Third Daughter-I love you and the day we meet is not far off.  The fact that my heart is racing indicates that this is the biggest event of the life I’ve lived thus far.  I believe that this is going to become the greatest story/drama in the hearts of our whole family here-your two older sisters and your younger brother-for a lifetime.  The remaining month feels so far away now.  I hope the waiting time passes quickly; I want to see your proud face with your big happy, beautiful smile. 

And your parents there- I hope they are healthy and in peace; I am so extremely grateful to them.  I bow my head in honor to the two of them for having raised you and taught you so wonderfully.  And I send my true thanks to your husband Nate, to your two younger siblings, and to the people around you who have provided you with grace. 

And to your parents there, your husband and to your siblings, I apologize and ask for forgiveness as a father who has truly acted badly.  In addition to your birth father here [me], Mother, and your siblings here too are going to be so very happy to see you and your family.  We believe, and do not doubt, that this will be the ultimate happiness in our lives.  I have lived for so long with you, whom I miss, buried deep in my heart.  You have grown up so pretty and wonderfully.  I think about the moment I am able to stroke the face of the daughter who I have kept deeply treasured in my heart stops; it seems like the world belongs all to me.

Now there is only one month to wait.  You have such a special and beautiful heart to come this long way to meet your father who committed a great sin that can never be washed away.  The family here is awaiting the happiness and nervousness of that day with desire in our hearts.

The cultures here and there are different, so I worry about possibly offending you in some way.  But even if it’s just from here on in, let’s try our best.  Once again, I bow my head deeply to your parents there and give words of thanks to them.  I hope and pray that the day comes soon that I am able to see your parents, your husband, and your siblings. 

My third Daughter who has been buried deep in my heart and for whom I have yearned  in my heart, I wait the day to see you.  I so want to see you.  Let’s talk more when we see each other face to face.

5.18.2011

Father with many sins

*Translator’s note:  There is a popular television program in Korea that finds long-lost friends and relatives for people. Occasionally, adoptees are allowed to come on the show (with the use of a translator) and look for their birth relatives.  It’s also for families who were separated due to war, poverty, break up of a family, and just physically losing each other, etc.  It’s a very popular television show.


I, also, can hardly wait for the day to come!  It will be likely the first Saturday or Sunday that we are in Korea.  I want to spend as much time with them as possible without cutting into the trip.  I did really want to go to the Orthodox Church in Seoul, but we may have to save that for another time.  Or maybe we can all go together.  I'm not sure how it will all work just yet. 

Nate and I have also talked several times about staying longer in Korea.  Unless it is ridiculously expensive, I hope to stay with Nate three or four more days.  Kabin said the Eastern Guest House at ESWS is available, but she is also almost positive that if we stay, my birth family will ask us to stay with them.  We won't make this decision until we get there, but in my head, it's already made.  I don't know how much longer I will have to get to know my birth father.  When I talked to Dad tonight and read him the letter, he said I'll have to stay longer and go again next year.  When I asked, "With what money?", he said, "We'll figure it out."  I am so happy he is excited for the trip and doesn't feel any jealousy or sadness at all. 

Two weeks to go!